I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
