I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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