You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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