The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Found your dick twin last night
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Randomize
