I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.