I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children