Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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