I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
