Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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