I cannot find my penis.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My feet surprised me
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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