Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
