you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
not ubering you a puppy
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
