zippers are such a cool invention
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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