I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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