a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
