Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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