Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
