official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
