So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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