so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
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Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour