and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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