life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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