I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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