Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
