I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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