Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
