I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
