Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
