I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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