Cold hands, warm shart.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
