my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
