mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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