you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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