my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
