im about as happy as oj after his trial
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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