I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
