No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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