Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
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Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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