apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
