he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
