i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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