My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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