I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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