So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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