Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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