Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
