I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
