Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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