I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
FUCK WHALES
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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