Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize