you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
