I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
