who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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