She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
