And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
