I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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