The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
