Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
