Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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