um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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